I caress my coffee in both hands as steam rises, dusting over my face with pleasure aromas of nutty and chocolate note. In the early afternoon, with morning hair and Snoopy pajamas that have worn thin from love, I flip through Facebook posts as if drawn to the reveal of something unexpected. Wow, lives so full; friendships, children, celebrations, blurred photos of little girls in floral dresses that lift and touch extended arms as shiny patent leather shoes whirl in circular motion. Little boys with mischievous eyes and crooked tie, laughter and smiles shoring the perimeter of tables boasting heavy with food and drink and red wine stain on linens of white. Oh, the envy of exotic places, sun tanned bodies and little umbrella drinks.
I sip my coffee which has grown as cold as my longing has grown large, and I allow heaviness to befall me. My pages seem insignificant… children grown and pursuing dreams of their own - gone are my pages a mother proudly boasts. A new home in a new town assures room for adventure, but friendships fresh and shallow are busy with friends of treasured pasts. My skin of paper white boasts goosebumps of cold and the umbrella I hold shelters me from rain. My life feels empty in comparison to theirs. Sigh.
And then I ask myself, Why do I compare? I did not awake to this despair; in fact, I enjoyed my lazy morning. My spirit is rich with joy and song lifts quickly from my lips. I have known the toothless smiles of children, large family gatherings, and vacations far away. My today’s are different than the times once lived, but certainly not less.
Perhaps I should be grateful for a season such as this? Perhaps, just perhaps, I’m not the only one who wonders while sitting in Snoopy Jammie’s on a cloudy day.
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